Journalist Sira London opened herself about the day of the abortion for “Elite Daily”, but she also talked about the days that preceded and followed the day of this life changing decision.
I had an abortion. I had nobody to give me any kind of support. I was without a boyfriend and the whole burden of suspense, responsibility and remorse, which I should have shared with someone, fell over me. Nobody mentions the period after you make the appointment for the surgery, and what are the days, between finding out the date and actually going in the hospital, like.
Then you are aware of what you’re going to do, but still you question yourself. You try to keep the things normal, go to college and go out with your friends. And then you realize that you’ve been sitting for an hour in your car, because that’s the only place where you can be alone. You keep wondering: Am I doing the right thing?
The first time I came to the clinic, I was certain that I would go all the way through the surgery without any problem. But everything changed when they announced the date of the abortion. I then realized that it is really happening.
I felt a connection with that creature which was inside me. Something told me that it was a girl. She would’ve had been born on New Year’s Eve.
I remember that moment on the parking lot. I sat behind the stirring wheel and I was about to go and have an abortion. I closed my eyes, touched my stomach and I felt her. I called her “dark eyed” in my head, according to the song that was playing on the radio, and from that day on, I dream of holding her and reading her bed time stories.
I called Mark and told him about my intentions. His sigh of relief really hurt. A part of me hoped that he would thought me out of that decision.
But, whenever I thought about my miserable pay, the illness and the fact that i didn’t had the money for a health insurance, I knew that I was wrong.
I didn’t wanted to see my child suffering in poverty. Today,it isn’t just enough to love your child, but you also have to provide for him/her.
I vividly remember that morning. Mark said that he would be out of town that day. The only thing I got from that child’s father was a text message saying “Be strong”. I sat on the bathroom floor and I cried. I cried for that child, I cried for what I was about to do and because my world slowly fell apart. I exited my apartment devastated.
I knew that after that day my life would never be the same. You are like a robot in those moments. You just sit in your car and drive. You don’t think. And then, you enter the operating theatre, you sit on the bed and just listen to the instructions they give you. You lie on that bed and in that moment you are not yourself anymore.
And that’s it – done. Almost done. It is never done. In the days succeeding the abortion you are alive, but still dead inside. You walk like a shadow. It isn’t important if you told a bunch of people or no one. You are fidgeting all the time and you are nervous and impatient. And you don’t allow yourself to be sad. You don’t have right to be sad. You have made a choice.
You miss someone who you didn’t even get the chance to meet. Flashes just pop out in the worst moments.
You fell like a statistic. You are googling confessions of women just like this one. Did they made the right choice? Will you feel remorse until the end of your life?
Couple of months passed from that weekend, but my pain is still fresh. It hurts when you listen to other people talking about their pregnancy and I remember those tears on the parking lot.
For those of us who weren’t 100 percent sure that we wanted an abortion, that kid will always be with us. And I hope that someday I will forget about it.